a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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