last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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