I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
