I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Everything about him screamed your future.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
