My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
