dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
