remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
