A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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