the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
