Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
two words: eviction party
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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