I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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