My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize