true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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