whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize