Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
