What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
