dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
