someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
