I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
