She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
