he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
