Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize