No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
