just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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