Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I believe in your delicious
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
