god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
love makes seman taste better
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
