I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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