I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
