Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Congratulations! We have a period
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