my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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