Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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