After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
