Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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