I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
