the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize