Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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