yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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