Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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