New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
