Plan B is the new Plan A
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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