Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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