i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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