Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
