I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
