we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
