I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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