My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
