i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize