I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
