either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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