My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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