Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
