There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
