my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
