yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
